When I turn the pages of my life
What I see and what I remember isn’t different from each other.
How I feel today and how I felt then however has changed.
Not just a system update on your smartphone but revolution around the sun change, the 360 degree kind.
The story of my life is like a book, and it sounds so familiar because that is how it should be.
But what if, my life isn’t a book but a library?
What if, the experiences aren’t just another chapter but the whole book?
What if, I am who you never thought I would be?
I never glittered like gold.
I never shone like diamonds.
And sure as hell I never looked like the face from a fashion magazine.
I never was who I wanted to be yet I was sure what I didn’t want to be.
Blending in all the roles that I was expected to be a master of.
A daughter to begin with, stepping up and boosting myself because you told me I was not good enough.
And To be more.
A sister as I say, walking with her, trying too damn hard to be like her because you said she was the ideal and I was not good enough.
And to be more.
A granddaughter if I speak, for whom living with the thought that I was supposed to be born a boy because I was just not good enough.
And you said to be more.
Looking back to those times when I accepted whatever was expected of me.
But listening to those words, as they echo in my mind that I was not good enough and there was something more to be. Someone to be like. Someone better. Someone whom you approved of.
But did I want it?
Like I said, I wasn’t the gold that only came to those with privilege.
I was instead a lantern, being the light in the darkness, and not just something that glows.
I didn’t shine bright like a diamond that girls call their best friends.
I was instead a smile on someone’s face because that counts in the end.
I was not a model’s face with the perfect body proportions.
I can never live a life where I fear my real face without the mask without the glamour.
So you see, i was never the way I was supposed to be.
Or you thought i would become.
I don’t even know whether change is the right word or not.
I have evolved. I have developed.
Tell me I’m not good enough if I lack skills.
Tell me I’m not good enough if I’m not ready to learn.
Tell me I’m not good enough if I disgrace my existence.
Tell me I’m not good enough if I hurt.
But don’t tell me I’m not good enough because I fail to live upto your expectations.
Or because I choose a life for myself and don’t let you be the ruler.
Or because I speak for myself and give myself the attention you seek.
Or because I break the cage you were setting me into and not falling for your traps.
Or because I know who I am and I accept myself.
Or because I have my angels and my demons and I have made peace with it.
I am no saint and I do not wish to be one. I can never be the ideal you admire.
For I am free.
I do not have a moral compass. I do not sit in the cross legged ladylike posture.
I speak a lot and my language is foul most of the times. But you can’t seem to see my past it. I’m bold.
A rose needs thorns for protection, this is what I hear from people, but I’m not just a rose who needs to be protected by someone else. I’m the rose and I’m it’s thorns.
I’m not perfect but I’m not incomplete either.
I’m not waiting on anyone.
I’m whole,with thorns with the rose, this is who I am.
I sleep wherever I feel home, some days it’s a place and some days it’s a person. I walk for miles with no place to go in mind.
There’s a fire in my heart, a raging soul, a peace in my mind, blisters on my foot and dreadlocks on my head.
So you see, I’m not you. I can get along with you but I don’t belong here exactly. I could adjust but would you. You wouldn’t let me be me. For that is the only thing you do, you don’t let anyone grow, you don’t let anyone change.
While turning the pages in the book I see that they’ve turned yellow with time. The pages in my books, some are yellow and some are pale. But most of them are coffee like and burnt at the edges for as I said before, I’m not like the usual ones you meet everyday. I have not grown up like you.
I have fought and I have burnt myself in the fire everyday and so today who you see in front of you has risen from the ashes.
Keep calm and enjoy your day?
Dear society I prefer saying keep calm and stay away.